Thursday, October 15, 2015


I have many thoughts running through my brain tonight,  i will try to organize them to something that makes some form of sense.

Over the last few years i have shared parts of the things that i have been through and the suffering that i go through every day of my life. I have been through loss, betrayal by many people around me.  I have been possessed, my state of mind is very off balance creating urges and wants that go against human nature.   Depression and addiction have been the story of my whole life as i remember it.  I walk every day seeing people react with each other, play, connect, knowing that i cannot do the same because i have killed that capacity.   I walk through life knowing that i have killed my ability to feel love for someone, now only knowing periodic outbursts of rage.  Past this due to a gift I have, i understand the pain of many other paths that i have not walked yet or will.   My life is hell.  A hell a part of me wishes to escape every day, to end it.  To finally stop walking the fiery and demonic paths of hell. 

Despite everything though, despite every little thing that I go through and have walked through, i push on.   I still end every day, every moment saying "i have to move foreword, I cannot stop yet, I'm not done."  No matter the pain i go through, the stress, even after the darkest moments that i go through I cannot stop walking, step be step along the road.   Basically, it is incredible what the mind, the body, and the spirit can go through.   I have walked through hell more times than i can count yet even if it means doing it once more i cannot stop.  

No matter the way you look at it, we're meant for something here, and as damaged as i am, and as much damage and pain i have caused.  I have not completed my job.  You can look at it however you want,  but i have walked the bottom, logically life will not get better if it's ended before it's time.  I refuse to end it when it's only been a shit-hole, i won't and cannot accept that.   For those that are in the same or similar place as me, you cannot accept it either.  Push until it's better, push until you're happy moving on. Whether or not you're religious, we're here now. Leaving before you've experienced the good is just against yourself.  The universe is balanced,  for the bad there's good.  Light, there's dark.   Happiness and sadness.  Well, it's dark now.  It's really dark, it has to even out and i don't want to miss the light that will come to finally balance it out and make it worth it.