The Impossible Battle

I have not written in a while, again.  I would apologize for this however I have not known what it is I would write about.  I finally have something.  My experience is not unique in some ways, many ways.  However in many it also is.  This is to be expected however as we all are different, we all see things in our own ways and are effected by things in our own ways.  For me, this trio of giants I must defeat, mountains I must climb, whatever expression you may use; is finally becoming clear to me.

What do you vision your battle to be?  What do you see yourself as having to do to accomplish your battle?  For me, and most likely for many, I saw my battle with pornography as a mountain I must climb.  I have also seen it as a monster I am locked in battle with and must destroy.  This is not correct.  Me and my father have been reading a book called "Sitting in a Rowboat and Throwing Marbles at a Ship" by Andrew Pippanne.  All of those in addiction should at least look at this book as it describes it like no one else will and goes through his recovery process in a very honest way.  Going back to my battle, it is not a monster or a mountain.  It is three Monsters.  They are tower over me impossibly high and each carries a deadly array of weapons.  They are faster than I can predict, and finally they fight together.  One leading in while the others attack my exposed back.  This is my reality and my fight.  It is impossible.  I am accepting this fact, I must accept this fight.  I cannot win this, I cannot prevail against the impossible no matter how my rage grows or desperately I fight.  For those against pornography, this is reality for us all.  With other addictions, I can not say whether or not this is the case, I do not carry those burdens.  But as for pornography this is our reality.  I know there are some that have beaten their monsters themselves, but they are few and far in between and people whom I can't even begin to understand.

For those who look at that and say "that's not how it is, if you keep pushing you'll win!!" or "You're strong Brennan you can do this!"  Or my absolute favorite "Why don't you just stop?  It's that easy."  There is one word that describes these statements.  Bullshit.  This is not the case, and let me explain what it is I face so you can understand that this is not the case and why hearing it only frustrates me and I'm sure other people that face this burden.

Like I explained earlier I carry three burdens, you could argue four, that pertain to one origin.  The first is the pornography addiction.  The second is depression.  Third is my emotionless being.  Fourth arguably is my rage/desire to destroy.  Most of you would look at this and say well, pornography is definitely the one that you need to worry about and the rage.  You are correct, those are the ones I need to be most careful of in terms of what will affect me or others the most visibly.  However what about depression?  The type I struggle with isn't blues, I lose ability to function on my worst days.  I don't have the energy to get up or eat, I don't have the will to even look outside, and in some cases I want to end it and leave this hell I face.  I'd have to say this isn't a small issue I can ignore.

Now what of my emotionless being?  What this means is I do not care or feel for anything or anyone.  My family, my friends, my own life.  I feel no love, no sadness, no happiness, only a yearning to feel those things because I remember a time when I felt like a normal person.  I could cry, I could laugh without faking it, I could hug my mother and feel love for her instead of a cold logical thought process of these people I will protect and give everything I can too.  It's a way to compensate for my inability to feel something for them.  I am the same way with my friends, I will do anything for those that I call friend.  I don't feel anything honestly but I try to compensate for that.  Can you even imagine what kind of hell it is to look around you and see love and happiness and not have the ability to feel the same?  Or to see your friends falling in love and watching knowing you cannot feel that?  It is depressing.  It is frustrating, it makes me want to let loose my rage so that I can feel something, let something out.  Again, I'd have to say this is serious, something I cannot ignore.  This is why I watch anime, why I game, why I escape.  Because I am tired of watching something I can't have and feeling the spot it used to be only being a cave in my chest.  Granted like I said in a previous post, the anime I watch does trigger feelings for a short time which is healing for me.

I don't need to go into why my rage and desire to hurt and destroy is bad, why I cannot ignore it.

So again people would say "well, stop fighting the whole thing, focus on one thing at a time."  Well I wish I could, but like I described they bounce off each other.  Feeding the other power and strength.  For an example, I decide I'm fighting the pornography so I am good for a period of time.  Well, what's the reason that addicts have so hard of time fighting?  Because initial sobriety sucks.  I can't even describe how bad it can get.  Every action and thought is towards one thing, use.  So, as my sobriety increases, so does my inner storm and chaos.  My rage and desire to hurt grows exponentially, and so, to counteract that I have to shut down myself even more to fight it which closes off any tiny emotions that may have unlocked by my sobriety and makes me even more cold and much harder of a person.  Well because my emotions are even more locked down and I don't even feel rage, my depression begins to set in.  It isn't "Oh I'm sad, I hate life, life sucks," etc.  My energy drops with my desire to do anything.  This goes until a certain time passes and then my rage begins to grow and I start loosing my control over it increasing my energy levels and inner chaos making me want to use even more simply to shut it down.  This is just one example, they bounce off each other in many different ways, and each is not a battle I can win.

Like I said in the beginning, I cannot win this fight.

With that being said, just because I cannot win doesn't mean that someone else wont.  I cannot deny Christ and Father being there.  I fought them a long time because after my possession I did not trust them, I still have troubles, but they are the only way I can turn.  The only way I can go.  I am not saying I'm a full religious freak obeying everything and stuff.  I still have my own beliefs, however I am looking towards organized religions and seeing what one has what I want in life, which at this point happens to be the LDS or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because they teach family's forever and they preach pure emotion.  I cannot even describe how much I want to feel pure love or pure happiness.  Something I cannot ever remember feeling.  Looking at their basic teachings, they are also good, be the best person you can be.  Who can argue that is a bad thing.

I'm not here to preach, but what I am saying is that turning to a higher power is my only chance in this fight of mine.  When I am meditating consistently, connecting with god as I know he is and how I best do, and am doing everything else I can do to make sure I'm not in a situation that will give me only one option being to fail I have more success than with anything else I have tried.  My therapist says this in a very good way and I will share it.  It doesn't matter if you talk to god or the higher power through a tree or meditation and prayer, it only matters that you do it.  I have accepted most of the time anyway, that I cannot win this battle.  I simply cannot defeat the impossible which is why I have given it away, or am trying.  This doesn't mean that I don't feel all the problems I am facing and it's gone, it is very much still there.  However the burden is lighter, the pain is lessened.  Maybe I am simply going further along the path of emotionless thinking, but I do know that it helps in my depression and pornography and even my rage problems.

My message with this is simple, the battle I face is impossible for me to fight, it simply is something I cannot win.  So I wont fight it, I am simply giving it to someone that can.  I am tired, I am beat, I have given everything to this fight, I cannot win and never will.  Honestly, I am glad to give it up, maybe I can finally progress somewhere and start my journey to be where I want to be.  

Wins and Losses

A topic I was suggested to write about was my own experience in trying different ways to overcome this and why they did or did not help.  I believe this will be good for both me and anyone else reading this, not because my methods will work for someone else but because it's a different view and something may help.

Honestly I cannot give a timeline, I only know what I have tried and what I haven't.  I have tried the LDS 12 step program, forcing it out, using a sponsor, accepting it, using this blog, buying a bracelet that says I am a pornography fighter, used writing to get out my desires and my drives to slip up, and counseling.

First of all, the LDS 12 step is a fantastic idea and program.  I do know that there are many many people who have gone through the program and seen fantastic results from following it.  I also know that when 10 go in, only 4 or 5 may come out having found it to be a help.  I personally did not find it to be of help to me.  This may have been simply because I was not doing it in the way that it's believed you should.  My relationship with god was not in a place I did everything relating to him in the program to the extent that others would.  However I honestly did try.  With everything I have tried until I want to cry and give up from the pain of fighting.  The program for me was not positive.  I would leave the meetings depressed and, not judged, but I left feeling gross.  I did try three different meetings, the result was the same for me.  Maybe after I get on the anti-depressants I"m supposed too it will help but we will have to see.

Forcing yourself to stop.  When you tell yourself  "nope, I'm not doing that.  No, you are not doing that, No you are despicable you are not doing that, " any or more variations of this sentence actually give power to the desire.  This is the case of whatever you are facing.  From what my counselor suggested, don't fight the thought.  Accept it with no emotion and move on.  Training yourself to do that will eventually become second nature.  

Sponsors are fantastic if you can get a hold of them, I will be looking for a new one, but the one I had in the 12 step program, while an incredible man and a great friend, was not available when I had the most troubles.  I think that they are incredible if they can be there for you.

Accepting it, I don't have to say much here.  Obviously if you just accept in as a part of yourself it will be.  While saying you are garbage and stuff is extremely detrimental, simply accepting it and not fighting it will not improve things.  

Going public with my fight has been the best thing for me, I haven't been perfect but I have seen more consistent progress doing this than anything else.  Pornography thrives on secrecy and being hidden.  Throwing that out of the picture makes it easier simply because it isn't there anymore.  If you act a certain way there's not hiding it, people know and that's that.  

Counseling helped for sure, I had someone to talk too.  Addiction is a symptom of something else.  For me, my loneliness and depression drive it.  Finding out what the base things that drive it help anyone so you know what to work on to help get rid of the addiction.  

Writing did not help.  It has helped me to get out my emotions, to help me to feel like a normal person to my knowledge.  But writing out my desires in the porn. and using that to help get rid of the urges was not good.  It was simply a turn on.

These are the main things that I can remember, I hope this will provide a little insight for those fighting and those helping those who are fighting.