Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Wins and Losses

A topic I was suggested to write about was my own experience in trying different ways to overcome this and why they did or did not help.  I believe this will be good for both me and anyone else reading this, not because my methods will work for someone else but because it's a different view and something may help.

Honestly I cannot give a timeline, I only know what I have tried and what I haven't.  I have tried the LDS 12 step program, forcing it out, using a sponsor, accepting it, using this blog, buying a bracelet that says I am a pornography fighter, used writing to get out my desires and my drives to slip up, and counseling.

First of all, the LDS 12 step is a fantastic idea and program.  I do know that there are many many people who have gone through the program and seen fantastic results from following it.  I also know that when 10 go in, only 4 or 5 may come out having found it to be a help.  I personally did not find it to be of help to me.  This may have been simply because I was not doing it in the way that it's believed you should.  My relationship with god was not in a place I did everything relating to him in the program to the extent that others would.  However I honestly did try.  With everything I have tried until I want to cry and give up from the pain of fighting.  The program for me was not positive.  I would leave the meetings depressed and, not judged, but I left feeling gross.  I did try three different meetings, the result was the same for me.  Maybe after I get on the anti-depressants I"m supposed too it will help but we will have to see.

Forcing yourself to stop.  When you tell yourself  "nope, I'm not doing that.  No, you are not doing that, No you are despicable you are not doing that, " any or more variations of this sentence actually give power to the desire.  This is the case of whatever you are facing.  From what my counselor suggested, don't fight the thought.  Accept it with no emotion and move on.  Training yourself to do that will eventually become second nature.  

Sponsors are fantastic if you can get a hold of them, I will be looking for a new one, but the one I had in the 12 step program, while an incredible man and a great friend, was not available when I had the most troubles.  I think that they are incredible if they can be there for you.

Accepting it, I don't have to say much here.  Obviously if you just accept in as a part of yourself it will be.  While saying you are garbage and stuff is extremely detrimental, simply accepting it and not fighting it will not improve things.  

Going public with my fight has been the best thing for me, I haven't been perfect but I have seen more consistent progress doing this than anything else.  Pornography thrives on secrecy and being hidden.  Throwing that out of the picture makes it easier simply because it isn't there anymore.  If you act a certain way there's not hiding it, people know and that's that.  

Counseling helped for sure, I had someone to talk too.  Addiction is a symptom of something else.  For me, my loneliness and depression drive it.  Finding out what the base things that drive it help anyone so you know what to work on to help get rid of the addiction.  

Writing did not help.  It has helped me to get out my emotions, to help me to feel like a normal person to my knowledge.  But writing out my desires in the porn. and using that to help get rid of the urges was not good.  It was simply a turn on.

These are the main things that I can remember, I hope this will provide a little insight for those fighting and those helping those who are fighting.


  1. This makes perfect sense. With all addictions, it is a symptom of something else. Trying to fill a void. Like any disease or sickness, there are a lot of symptoms and you can treat those but to get completely better, you have to find the source. What is causing the symptoms and cure that.

    You're doing awesome! You're on the right path. Pornography is about secrets and you coming and telling your story, the changes I am seeing in you, so proud of you son!!!

    1. I am glad you are seeing improvements, I don't think I can see them in the way you do, but I am better off now than I was

  2. Everyone's path is different and sharing yours will help someone else recognize theirs.