It's been a while since my last post, mostly because I haven't really known what to post about. I mean I covered my past, I covered what I wanted to say, now really all that's left is my day to day or week to week fight against this addiction of mine. So, this is what my future posts will be about.
The last while has been interesting for me, I'm seeing a therapist now to help with my depression and the anger issues and attachment tendencies I have. In any case he pointed out something very interesting to me in our last discussion that's been on my mind. We were talking about my past and kinda what made me me. and when I mentioned when I had started using porn and then my problems with emotion and feeling, he said that because I had been using porn for so long, using it was the only way that I know how to feel. In a sense he is correct, if you look at the times I have been able to fight it and get some serious sobriety it's all been when I have something to fight for and emotion is involved. I'm in love with a girl, or when I was fighting to be clean long enough I could go to the temple with the family. Every time that I think of it being gone is in an instance like that.
On the flip side, when I feel emotional pain I turn to it to cut off my emotion. Numbing myself so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. It's a constant pattern, I start feeling lonely, I start feeling my emotions of pain from past relationships, my depression kicks up and I am feeling hopeless about life, the list goes on. I immediately turn to porn for that numbing effect. Knowing this has been helping me because now I understand at least part of my use is dependent on that condition. The other being I'm hornier than a dog and want the release or fix.
My fight is perfect, I'm still struggling a lot, it's hard for me at this point to use my emotions to my advantage like I had been hoping simply because they are locked away right now. Some of you would say just unlock them, unfortunately this isn't something I can really do well at all. It's a huge problem for me. Anyway my plan now is to set a plan for my future, decide where I want to go and what I want to become, write it down. I've found if I don't write something down it might as well not exist. So write that down and put it where I may be having issues so I can see it.
So earlier I mentioned that I write to help get out my negative emotions as well as the good ones, well if you feel you want to read what I have written then follow this link and it'll take you there. Before you do though understand this is me getting out my emotions, the writing is very very raw and to a lot of you too much. It's very violent a lot of the time, and very dark. It's what I love to write so sorry for those that are looking for something else. Also what is up isn't done, it needs to be rewritten and edited however what's up is a first draft. anyway here's the link
Again it isn't finished but it's out there. There is one more story in there that has two published parts. If you wish to read more contact me, I have more that isn't published on that one. anyway there ya go