Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Ups and Downs

When I started this blog, I said something critical.  I am accountable to all of you.  What this entails is letting you know my ups as well as my downs in this journey I am taking.  So this is where that begins.

As for my ups, I made it a week clean, I made it through hell.  I have tried countless times to overcome this addiction and trial of mine.  I can honestly say I haven't been tempted and put through what I have in this round.  I cannot go into details because of privacy, however I have lost a few friends.  I have found out others that I care about are dealing with suicide, cutting, porn themselves.  I am a helper and older brother.  I by nature take on more stress than I should and this, the non-stop insatiable urges all have been crazy to call it simply.  However I did make it that first week, I believe it will continue to be this hard until I pass the three month line which is where habits begin to break.

Now as for the bad, the last few days I have messed up, I gave in to the cravings and I regret it horribly.  My nature is to hide it however if I am to do this I must do what I promise and follow the rules I have set.  Make new ones as situations come up, etc.  So, here I am admitting that I have fallen to both the porn and masturbation urges.  They do go together and when one goes the other follows.

So, I would like to make a point with this fall.  I was triggered while on Tinder, a dating app.  I have it because I have at this point very very few friends that are girls that I really associate with.  Now, so they don't get mad I have plenty of friends that are girls, however most are married or in a serious relationship which as well all know drives them to their own selves which is fine and okay, however I can't date you so there's that.  Others I have either driven away by my own isolating actions or for simply time having driven a wedge between us.  So I was trying it to make new friends and maybe go on a few dates.  The reason I am saying this is because it is the innocent things that are the things you must watch out for.  Music, a tv show, dating app, the list can go on.  It continues to honestly amaze me the tools the adversary has gathered to carry out this power he has.  Everything is infected in some way.  In nature there is balance, it is a basic law that everything must follow.  Where there is good there is bad and it is surprising to see just everything that is being used for the purpose of having every person get at least introduced to this drug.


  1. It's not about the slipping. Celebrate the days that you do good! Satan wants you to focus on the slips. You're doing great! Keep going!!

  2. One day at a time. His mercies are new every morning. God loves you and your big heart!

  3. It's interesting, how the body deals with the world. I am told, and believe, that the spirit is the powerful part. And I wonder how the split balances. I used to see life in a more simple way. But I have found that it is very complex and puzzling. I will not make any suggestions to you because I honestly don't know anything worth suggesting - not that there's nothing to know. You have simply gone beyond my scope. Master this, and I think you can master anything. And since Christ has descended below all things, HE is actually the big brother. So you don't have to take on that responsibility unless you want to. And maybe that responsibility, which you have carried from a very young age, is what is making you break. You perhaps expect and put more on yourself than you should. But even that is too simple. If we saw the objects of pornography as human beings being degraded and took responsibility for THEM, maybe that perspective could knock out the pleasure component - compassion being stronger. And there I go - that feels like a suggestion. Just thinking is all, not trying to teach. But you've probably already thought about that a thousand times.

    1. I have thought about all this, but I appreciate the comment still however, and I wish I could take responsibility for them, feel compassion, however that is not something I am capable of and even if I did, it would not be enough. I could not watch that with compassion, I don't think it is even humanly possible for a man to sit and watch a porn and think of them with compassion, lust will take over.

    2. That is the point honey. If you watched with compassion, you would quit watching..... because you wouldn't be able to sit and watch with compassion, lust would take over as you said. So, try looking at them with compassion.