My Story

I'd like to share my story, what I've been through and what has shaped me to become the broken animal that I am today.  Please understand this is...difficult to say in the least.  Some of this even my therapist hasn't been told, but I feel like I need to be completely open.  I need to face everything that I am in order to heal.  There are some wounds that may heal on the surface, but because of infection you need to rip them open again, clean it out, then let it breath and heal from the inside out.  This is what I hope this does for me.

The average age when a child is introduced to pornography is 11-12.  I was introduced around the age of 8 or 9.  I do not blame the person that did, he was introduced at the same age as me by who I do not know, to me however what was portrayed as funny, innocent was the beginning of my misery.  For a few years I did not revisit this evil however at the age of 11 or 12,  as you can see my memory is not good from a combination of several things, in any case I became entrapped in its horrible embrace.  I dove in, searching things that even now shame me, I was without control.  The most disgusting acts becoming a...view of pleasure and a stance against what I had been taught was right.  A rebellion.

Now, I am a member of only a few, I did not begin there with masturbation.  I simply used the porn as the rebellion, to break the control over my life.  Or what I felt was that.  I believe this was the case anyway, that is all I can make of it anyway, Maybe I just didn't have the ability to control and it controlled me, I don't know.  This is all I can think of it being anyway.  In any case I followed this routine for two years.  Until my grandparents confronted me, explaining they knew what I had done, What I had been doing.  I was too dumb to delete the browser history.  I will forever be grateful to them for this, later when asked they didn't remember this.  However it is one of the few things I do remember.  One of the things they also said is they wouldn't tell my parents, they knew what they would say so didn't need too.  Honestly I am grateful that they did not tell them, it was something I had to confess myself.   I did a few weeks later.  I still remember the pain of both confessing and also seeing the look on my mothers face, the shock, horrified look, then the pain.  I don't remember after that very much however I stopped cold turkey for a period of three years.  Until I was fourteen.

This was my early high school years, I was having bad insomnia and was told to use a massage machine to relax my body to help sleep and I did.  It worked miraculously.  However when you massage your entire body well, that shouldn't be hard to put together.  I discovered masturbation.  I immediately knew what had happened when I..finished.  My first thoughts were horrified at myself that I had done something so dirty, until my mind analyzed what had happened.  It had felt incredibly  I was hooked, it didn't feel dirty, it didn't feel wrong, it felt amazing.  It helped me sleep, it relieved my stress.  Those that have done this know the list.  Best of all it took me away from my depression, my emotions, the pain I was going through.  I was alone at the time, I felt I was the one carrying my family through the trials that they were going through.  I felt that I had to be strong and to be the strength of my brothers and sister as well as for my mother.  So through my depression I carried on my addiction as a desperate attempt to keep in control of myself.  I honestly think it both caused it to worsen, but also kept me alive.  Because I had both attempted suicide and continually had constant thoughts of it I used it to get away from my misery.  However with this I grew farther and farther into it.  I became emotionally lost.  I split myself.  At home I was happy, I was strong, I was the man of the house.  At school I was quiet, but social within my groups, in choir I was strong and gave it my all.  I was someone different for every person I met, I became a true chameleon.  When I tell people about this time of my life I tell them "every day I was wanting to kill myself and no one had a clue."  To this day I suffer from this period of my life in many ways which I will bring to light later on.

Continuing I kept on living this life, throughout high school I was this person until my second year in high school where I met my brothers.  friends that didn't care about my issues that they knew of, didn't care I was a little socially awkward, didn't care I was quiet.  Didn't care that I was screwed up.  But still   I continued with my addiction.  Continued shutting down my emotions, continuing to resist my desire to end it, and continuing to try to live.  Fortunately by this time I was trying to fight. I understood I was in the wrong in my addicction and actions.  But I couldn't.  I only had one real girl friend in high school and I do not believe I truly had the capacity to feel love towards her or anyone else.  I am sorry for the pain I caused her.  Others of course came along, and while she was the only one I that was official, I tried, I gave everything to care, but it simply wasnt in my capacity. It wasn't until this year I even had that possibility to love, which was something I honestly didn't believe I had the capacity for.  In any case this of course caused me great pain, until I didn't even have the capacity for that.  Because of what I did, shutting down every emotion.  Killing myself I became sociopathic.  I was extremely manipulative, I only cared about the manipulation.  the contorl over other people.  This was my life.  I was an empty shell with only one desire.  One want, no matter what I truly desired.

Now, there is something that happened during this time that I must explain.  Many will not believe this, or will chose to not accept it.  However I feel it is necessary to explain as it is part of what my story is.   For those that are religous, it is common belief that we not only have our bodies but also a spirit.  I believe this and science has shown this is a high possibility.  Now, when you do something or commit somethign that is against the core of human nature and the spirit there is a rift created, the spirit cannot reside in evil.  I was being literal when I said I was an empty shell.  Logically there will always be something that will fill nothing.  To be clear, I was possessed by a devil.  I had truly lost the ability to control my own body.  I can't tell you the time frame of this, how long he was inside me, but I can tell you the horror of it.  The filth you feel inside, the absolute terror of every day of your life.  Wishing for it to end, begging, but not having that ability.  Begging to be free but not having that power.  I finally broke down, I called my bishop, he exorcised me.  I was exorcised on.

When you watch the horror movies, the evil dispels and all is good after the spirit is gone and its happily every after.  I can promise you this is not the case.  Hell doesn't let go of what it holds.  I was plagued up even until this day by its presence.  I saw him everywhere.  If not for the support of someone that loved me, someone that stood beside me while I went from just sociopath to also psychotic, to becoming insane.  I saw demons everywhere, I saw evil everywhere I looked.  I can never repay what this person did for me.  What strength she gave me, I literally owe my life to her.  I am lucky to have met her.  Thankfully now I only see him on the anniversary of my exorcism.  And I have found the way to make him powerless over me.  Hell has limitless power, however everything has rules.  Everything must follow logic, balance, the rules of science.  Hells power is only as limitless as you allow it to be.  Fear is its power, courage, belief in something greater, that is the key.   That is it's limit.  He cannot hurt me, demons that plague you cannot hurt you if only you allow it to be that way.

After high school things remained the same.  I tried many things to over come my addiction.  Overcoming the control it had on me.  I fought on and off, never having more than three weeks of sobriety.  I can say I never really had the strength or will to fight it, to overcome it.  I guess I just assumed it was a part of my life.

Now this is pretty much my story, my efforts my life however there is one more thing that I have only recently discovered.  A side effect of what I had done to myself.  This is a warning.  When I shut out my emotions, when I controlled it to the point of convincing myself that I didn't feel, I closed off everything from happiness to sadness to anger.  Everything.  This is impossible to do 100% unless you are truly sociopathic to the core.  I am not, only partly and lessening.  In any case things like happiness, sadness, I could release in tiny bursts.  The pressure was at least lessened.  However some things I didn't.  Sadness I did not until very recently release, cried for the first time in almost 10 years.  The other thing I never released was anger, hatred.  Recently, in the last year, I began to notice it boiling ravegly beneath my layer of control.  Threatening to overcome everything about me.  I wanted nothing more than to release it.  To tear apart everything that stood in my way, to dance in the dance of death.  Almost losing control on several occasions.  I was again blessed to meet someone that calmed that, took it away when it was at its worst.  Now I write.  I write out my emotions, even publishing some of the writings I have written.  I am warning those that do this to stop immediately, find the little things that release those emotions.  Suprisingly enough anime is hugely helpful with releasing both sadness and feeling emotions like love because of the rawness they portray them.  Writing obviously is one as well and the gym is another, though that's another discussion.

Well this is my life in a quick nutshell of what this addiction has caused me, and the side effects of going into it.    The issues I face today, there are more.  And there are many many wonderful things and people that have affected my life.  I have had a good life, one filled with with much bad, but not all.  Honestly I am happy with what I have experienced, I can empathize to a huge degree what most cannot.  I understand so much.  I understand pain, I understand loneliness.  I understand a lot, and when I overcome it all I will be much stronger with it.  It will take time, but I will overcome all my issues, I will overcome the pain that has plagued me since I was so young.