Tuesday, November 4, 2014

My Story

I'd like to share my story, what I've been through and what has shaped me to become the broken animal that I am today.  Please understand this is...difficult to say in the least.  Some of this even my therapist hasn't been told, but I feel like I need to be completely open.  I need to face everything that I am in order to heal.  There are some wounds that may heal on the surface, but because of infection you need to rip them open again, clean it out, then let it breath and heal from the inside out.  This is what I hope this does for me.

The average age when a child is introduced to pornography is 11-12.  I was introduced around the age of 8 or 9.  I do not blame the person that did, he was introduced at the same age as me by who I do not know, to me however what was portrayed as funny, innocent was the beginning of my misery.  For a few years I did not revisit this evil however at the age of 11 or 12,  as you can see my memory is not good from a combination of several things, in any case I became entrapped in its horrible embrace.  I dove in, searching things that even now shame me, I was without control.  The most disgusting acts becoming a...view of pleasure and a stance against what I had been taught was right.  A rebellion.

Now, I am a member of only a few, I did not begin there with masturbation.  I simply used the porn as the rebellion, to break the control over my life.  Or what I felt was that.  I believe this was the case anyway, that is all I can make of it anyway, Maybe I just didn't have the ability to control and it controlled me, I don't know.  This is all I can think of it being anyway.  In any case I followed this routine for two years.  Until my grandparents confronted me, explaining they knew what I had done, What I had been doing.  I was too dumb to delete the browser history.  I will forever be grateful to them for this, later when asked they didn't remember this.  However it is one of the few things I do remember.  One of the things they also said is they wouldn't tell my parents, they knew what they would say so didn't need too.  Honestly I am grateful that they did not tell them, it was something I had to confess myself.   I did a few weeks later.  I still remember the pain of both confessing and also seeing the look on my mothers face, the shock, horrified look, then the pain.  I don't remember after that very much however I stopped cold turkey for a period of three years.  Until I was fourteen.

This was my early high school years, I was having bad insomnia and was told to use a massage machine to relax my body to help sleep and I did.  It worked miraculously.  However when you massage your entire body well, that shouldn't be hard to put together.  I discovered masturbation.  I immediately knew what had happened when I..finished.  My first thoughts were horrified at myself that I had done something so dirty, until my mind analyzed what had happened.  It had felt incredibly  I was hooked, it didn't feel dirty, it didn't feel wrong, it felt amazing.  It helped me sleep, it relieved my stress.  Those that have done this know the list.  Best of all it took me away from my depression, my emotions, the pain I was going through.  I was alone at the time, I felt I was the one carrying my family through the trials that they were going through.  I felt that I had to be strong and to be the strength of my brothers and sister as well as for my mother.  So through my depression I carried on my addiction as a desperate attempt to keep in control of myself.  I honestly think it both caused it to worsen, but also kept me alive.  Because I had both attempted suicide and continually had constant thoughts of it I used it to get away from my misery.  However with this I grew farther and farther into it.  I became emotionally lost.  I split myself.  At home I was happy, I was strong, I was the man of the house.  At school I was quiet, but social within my groups, in choir I was strong and gave it my all.  I was someone different for every person I met, I became a true chameleon.  When I tell people about this time of my life I tell them "every day I was wanting to kill myself and no one had a clue."  To this day I suffer from this period of my life in many ways which I will bring to light later on.

Continuing I kept on living this life, throughout high school I was this person until my second year in high school where I met my brothers.  friends that didn't care about my issues that they knew of, didn't care I was a little socially awkward, didn't care I was quiet.  Didn't care that I was screwed up.  But still   I continued with my addiction.  Continued shutting down my emotions, continuing to resist my desire to end it, and continuing to try to live.  Fortunately by this time I was trying to fight. I understood I was in the wrong in my addicction and actions.  But I couldn't.  I only had one real girl friend in high school and I do not believe I truly had the capacity to feel love towards her or anyone else.  I am sorry for the pain I caused her.  Others of course came along, and while she was the only one I that was official, I tried, I gave everything to care, but it simply wasnt in my capacity. It wasn't until this year I even had that possibility to love, which was something I honestly didn't believe I had the capacity for.  In any case this of course caused me great pain, until I didn't even have the capacity for that.  Because of what I did, shutting down every emotion.  Killing myself I became sociopathic.  I was extremely manipulative, I only cared about the manipulation.  the contorl over other people.  This was my life.  I was an empty shell with only one desire.  One want, no matter what I truly desired.

Now, there is something that happened during this time that I must explain.  Many will not believe this, or will chose to not accept it.  However I feel it is necessary to explain as it is part of what my story is.   For those that are religous, it is common belief that we not only have our bodies but also a spirit.  I believe this and science has shown this is a high possibility.  Now, when you do something or commit somethign that is against the core of human nature and the spirit there is a rift created, the spirit cannot reside in evil.  I was being literal when I said I was an empty shell.  Logically there will always be something that will fill nothing.  To be clear, I was possessed by a devil.  I had truly lost the ability to control my own body.  I can't tell you the time frame of this, how long he was inside me, but I can tell you the horror of it.  The filth you feel inside, the absolute terror of every day of your life.  Wishing for it to end, begging, but not having that ability.  Begging to be free but not having that power.  I finally broke down, I called my bishop, he exorcised me.  I was exorcised on.

When you watch the horror movies, the evil dispels and all is good after the spirit is gone and its happily every after.  I can promise you this is not the case.  Hell doesn't let go of what it holds.  I was plagued up even until this day by its presence.  I saw him everywhere.  If not for the support of someone that loved me, someone that stood beside me while I went from just sociopath to also psychotic, to becoming insane.  I saw demons everywhere, I saw evil everywhere I looked.  I can never repay what this person did for me.  What strength she gave me, I literally owe my life to her.  I am lucky to have met her.  Thankfully now I only see him on the anniversary of my exorcism.  And I have found the way to make him powerless over me.  Hell has limitless power, however everything has rules.  Everything must follow logic, balance, the rules of science.  Hells power is only as limitless as you allow it to be.  Fear is its power, courage, belief in something greater, that is the key.   That is it's limit.  He cannot hurt me, demons that plague you cannot hurt you if only you allow it to be that way.

After high school things remained the same.  I tried many things to over come my addiction.  Overcoming the control it had on me.  I fought on and off, never having more than three weeks of sobriety.  I can say I never really had the strength or will to fight it, to overcome it.  I guess I just assumed it was a part of my life.

Now this is pretty much my story, my efforts my life however there is one more thing that I have only recently discovered.  A side effect of what I had done to myself.  This is a warning.  When I shut out my emotions, when I controlled it to the point of convincing myself that I didn't feel, I closed off everything from happiness to sadness to anger.  Everything.  This is impossible to do 100% unless you are truly sociopathic to the core.  I am not, only partly and lessening.  In any case things like happiness, sadness, I could release in tiny bursts.  The pressure was at least lessened.  However some things I didn't.  Sadness I did not until very recently release, cried for the first time in almost 10 years.  The other thing I never released was anger, hatred.  Recently, in the last year, I began to notice it boiling ravegly beneath my layer of control.  Threatening to overcome everything about me.  I wanted nothing more than to release it.  To tear apart everything that stood in my way, to dance in the dance of death.  Almost losing control on several occasions.  I was again blessed to meet someone that calmed that, took it away when it was at its worst.  Now I write.  I write out my emotions, even publishing some of the writings I have written.  I am warning those that do this to stop immediately, find the little things that release those emotions.  Suprisingly enough anime is hugely helpful with releasing both sadness and feeling emotions like love because of the rawness they portray them.  Writing obviously is one as well and the gym is another, though that's another discussion.

Well this is my life in a quick nutshell of what this addiction has caused me, and the side effects of going into it.    The issues I face today, there are more.  And there are many many wonderful things and people that have affected my life.  I have had a good life, one filled with with much bad, but not all.  Honestly I am happy with what I have experienced, I can empathize to a huge degree what most cannot.  I understand so much.  I understand pain, I understand loneliness.  I understand a lot, and when I overcome it all I will be much stronger with it.  It will take time, but I will overcome all my issues, I will overcome the pain that has plagued me since I was so young.
  

21 comments:

  1. You have no idea how proud I am of you for writing this!!! The courage!! You WILL overcome this! Yes, it will take time but you CAN do this!! And you will be stronger because of it and you will help so many because you will understand them completely. You are not alone in this fight. By reaching out to others, hopefully they will find the courage and strength to fight too! I love you so much Brennan! You are so strong. So kind. So brave.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (From Auntie V.) Brennan, you are an amazing person. I wish I would have had the courage to speak up at your age to fight my "demons" (mine were not so different). You will touch and inspire many people. With me, you already have. Love you much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the support, and I am glad I am of some light to you, love you

      Delete
  3. You know, there was one moment in the car - when you were - I don't know how old. You almost told me about it. I could see and feel that something was wrong - and I didn't - I didn't act on that feeling the way I should have. I have always remembered it and always have been very frustrated with myself that one of the few spiritual promptings I've had, I didn't grab and do right. I think it was a time when my own heart was tired. But I will always regret it. Deeply. Your fight has been a terrible, fierce thing for you - and for those who love you - and will continue to be. But you know that scripture - where much is given, much is required? I always associated that with blessings - where you are much blessed, you are required to bless someone else. But I have come to realize that it also means challenges - where much challenge is given, much fight is required - and I believe that, when you fight, you get stronger and stronger - and you can touch people with your experience and you can reach down a hand, and pull up with great power. Tempered steel, I think.

    By writing this blog, you have taken on responsibility. You have made yourself accountable to all who know you. That is wise, scary and important. We are now a tool you can use, drawing strength - you have watch dogs who will circle you, knowing more what to look for. Before, all we could do was watch and wait - and some of the manipulation you feel that you did was simply the fact that those who knew you were suffering also knew there was little they could do, besides loving and being there, until you chose to do what you are doing now. So you felt that you were fooling them - but they were choosing to wait and love and hope, when they were probably tempted to slap you one and say, WAKE UP. It was something you had to do yourself. And here you are, taking the first steps.

    So babe - stand strong. If you're going to make a fist, make two and lean into the wind, face first. You are worth it, and your calling is deep. One step after another. But perhaps the most important thing is for you to also be keeping a journal of blessed things, small joys, bits of beauty - so that your mind is not full of fight, but begins to grow light and clear with gratitude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do not blame yourself for that, I don't remember this incident personally. However what happened happened and I hold nothing against you, I apreciate your comment and the support, and maybe that was part of the manipulation, a part. In any case I love you and thank you for your support now and the support you have continually given me

      Delete
    2. Can't help myself, nephew-son - you are important to me. I don't think it was part of the manipulation, though, so let that rest.

      Delete
    3. Haha well, whatever the case it is what is

      Delete
  4. (From Aunt Lor) Brennan, you have and always have had our support and prayers along with the rest of our family members. You are family and we do not judge you, we love and support you in this fight and wish for your happiness. You are not alone. Feelings of separation and loneliness are one of the adversary's prime tools. We admire you for your strength and courage, we support you, I hope you can feel that. Thank you for sharing your story. A big cyber hug to you. Aunt Loralynn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A big cyber hug to you back, love you aunt loralynn.

      Delete
  5. (From Tamra) Wow. This just hit too close to home. Sadly, I think it might hit too close to home for many people. Satan thinks he is winning! When people stand up and fight, it is a strength to so many! Thank you for standing up and fighting!! I am sure scratch is shaking in his boots over this. Brennan will need to dig his heals in for the fight, because the minions have been released... It might get harder before it gets easier. That might sound discouraging, but there is so much hope! Brennan has an army joining the ranks about now as his story is being read by people that love him, who will pray for him, put his name on the prayer roll, drop everything on a dime for him, and fight right beside him!! So, don't give up!! We will fight, and we know who will win this war! It isn't Satan! It will be so hard, but so very worth it!
    I just wanted to thank you and Brennan for telling your story, for standing up and fighting, for being so real. Dang, it's hard. Tell Brennan that he is loved and not judged. He has our full support and I hope he knows that. He is NOT alone in this fight! My heart is so full for the love I feel for your family, I just don't know what to say. I am so awkward about this stuff. I want to come over and give hugs, but I would melt and cry and be a blubbering idiot like I am now. I am so proud of him!! Go team Brennan!
    Love you all,
    Tamra

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, I know it will be hard but it will be so worth it and i'm ready for it.

      Delete
  6. Love you Bennan! Always will! Keep fighting, so many people need you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I apologize to those who couldn't post comments before, I fixed the issue and you should be able to now

    ReplyDelete
  8. My comments were not working and others have said it best. We love you new support you. You are important. God has a way of making the most difficult of circumstances beautiful and of value. I know He will do the same here and already is. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am sorry about that, I really don't know what is going on with that but thank you very much and love you too

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brennan, you don't know me, but I love your mother and by proxy, you, too! I love how brave you are. I love how you recognized that your God light was gone and you wanted it back. You stood up to the dark and the dark cannot stand against your God light….it won't necessarily go quietly, but it will have to go. You no longer stand and fight alone. You are being surrounded by warriors of the faith and lifted high in many prayers. You are greatly loved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your comment, and you are correct. It will be and has been hard but light will always run from dark by law.

      Delete
  11. (From Jody) Brennan, I know you do not know me, but I want you to know it takes great courage to take your stand. And make it public. Making it public helps you hold yourself accountable. Not many people have the constitution to dig their claws in so deep into oneself and take on such a fight. Because of this, and your faith in our Lord, you will prevail. Just with these characteristics alone show greatness in you. You should be proud of yourself. You should see how mature and amazing you are. No one is perfect here on earth and no one can judge. Never put your fears or worries in what others think. It is not what truly matters. It is a waste of your time and beautiful mind. Everyone on earth has a problems\addictions\issues. No one is different than you. I love you. I am proud of you. I will pray for your continued strength to keep moving forward with peace and god's will. There is a reason for everything. Be strong, don't dwell on it. move past it. It will make you stronger. Big hugs and prayers. I am always here for you. Jody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jody I appreciate your comment and your support, and grateful for the compliments. I'll beat this with time and will be free of it

      Delete